The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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