I wish I could punch you in the face.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
