I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
