I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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