It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
