I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
