I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
