Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dicks are not precious.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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