worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
