Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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