I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
