This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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