what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
