Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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