The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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