I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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