I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
