They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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