I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
