I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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