Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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