does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
