I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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