The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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