Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
