Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
