Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just high enough for therapy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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