Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
