Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
