Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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