captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
