Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Holy shit dude........stairs
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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