I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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