So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
