We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
