oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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