The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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