She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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