I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
