Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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