You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
