Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
