why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
