I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
