just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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