mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.