the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse