i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
