Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
