What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
