Your face is a jimmy john
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
