As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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