You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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