I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
