I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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