last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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