fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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