In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
