i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
