Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
