'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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