I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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