couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
