Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
